Attack of the Song Fics: Volume II
by Lady Murray
Summary: Spinoff of Attack of the SongFics! Extreme AU! FUNNY SONG-FICS! What kind of story has Mel Gibson fanatics, 50's car races, HSM hating, and Jane getting a mohawk? This one!
1. My Hero

**Disclaimer: If I was Stephenie Meyer, why would I be writing fan-fiction when I could just write stuff, publish it, and make millions of dollars? **

**Did you really think I was going to start with the Cullen's or Bella? Pssh…**

**No my friends, it is Mike Newton that I am torturing today, with Foo Fighters no less.**

Mike sniffled pathetically as he lay in the fetal position on his bed. The moment he heard the news, his heart shattered. He had spent the past week in his room mourning. All of his friends had visited him, trying to comfort him from his terrible loss.

He just couldn't believe it had happened. His hero, Mel Gibson, wasn't going to make anymore movies! Mike literally went into a coma when he found out Mel Gibson was only going to direst movies, but this was too much!

_Too alarming now to talk about  
Take your pictures down and shake it out_

Mike slowly got up out of his bed. What was the point anymore? He had to stop being such a baby. What would Jessica think? Or was it Lauren? He couldn't remember who he was dating, and it really didn't matter, because those kinds of things didn't matter when your hero gives up.

He started pulling down the pictures and poster of Mel that he hung up in his room. There was his mint-condition _Braveheart_ movie poster that he got off the Internet, and his movie poster of _The Patriot_. God, he just loved those blue eyes! Over by on his bedside table was the picture of Mike at the premiere of the _Passion of the Christ_, and if you look really hard, you can see the back of Mel's head in the back of the picture.

Mike hesitated as he picked up his most prized possession, a Mel Gibson action figure, but he through it into the garbage without a second glance.

_Truth or consequence, say it aloud  
Use that evidence, race it around_

How could Tyler just tell him the horrible news at lunch in front of everyone! When Tyler told Mike casually about what Mel said, he literally had a heart attack. He jumped up and screamed, "What! Mel Gibson would never leave the film business! Doesn't he know that I, his number one fan, would die if he did that?!"

Everyone in the cafeteria just looked at Mike for a moment, before bursting out into hysterical laughter. He couldn't take it anymore, so he ran to his room and stayed there for a week in isolation. Only when his REAL friends (not Tyler) came to visit him in his time of sadness did he start to recover from his traumatic loss.

_There goes my hero  
Watch him as he goes  
There goes my hero  
He's ordinary_

Mike looked at his watch and noticed that he could probably make the last half of school if he left now. He didn't want to delay the inevitable, so he grabbed the garbage bag full of Mel Gibson memorabilia and headed outside.

When he got to the edge of the street where his car was, he put the garbage bag into the big garbage can for the garbage truck to pick it up. He got in his Suburban and drove off the school with determination in his heart.

_Don't the best of them bleed it out  
While the rest of them peter out_

Lunch was halfway through when Mike got to school. Everyone was chatting happily and nobody had a care in the world. Tyler was plotting with Eric on how they were going to woo Bella away from Edward, when the doors to the cafeteria opened up, revealing Mike Newton. At once, the entire student body fell silent. You could have heard a vampire walking around in there.

Mike looked over everyone, but eventually say Tyler cowering in his seat and he strode over to him with his chest out.

_Truth or consequence, say it aloud  
Use that evidence, race it around_

Tyler stammered when Mike drew closer. "M-m-mike…w-welcome b-back. H-how w-was y-your w-weekend?"

"Pleasant," Mike replied coldly, looking at Tyler like he smelled like something foul, which he probably did.

Bella, who was sitting next to that creep Edward Cullen, looked at Mike with worry and asked, "Mike, are you alright? You haven't been at school for the past week. What's wrong?"

Mike turned slowly towards Bella and saw that dumb-butt Cullen was fighting back laughter, but was failing miserably. Mike's face grew as red as an over-zealous Bulls fan and snarled in a deadly tone, "You want to know what is wrong with me? Well, I'll tell you."

_There goes my hero  
Watch him as he goes  
There goes my hero  
He's ordinary_

"Tyler Crowley has ruined my life. With just one simple comment on how my hero, Mel Gibson, is done with the movie business, he successfully threw me into a depression for the past week. I barely got out of bed and I talked to no one, even though they tried to talk to me. I have given up on Mr. Gibson, so you should be happy, Tyler, for crushing my dreams." Mike finished giving Tyler a long, hate-filled look.

"Wait a minute," Bella said confused. "Your hero is Mel Gibson, the guy who was in that movie Braveheart?"

"Yeah," Angela agreed. "He's that guy that screamed 'FREEDOM!' while being castrated in that movie."

"What does 'castrated' mean?" Ben asked.

Angela looked at him with a motherly look. "You don't want to know."

Cullen snorted and shook his head. "I can't believe you trust what Tyler said. What if I told you that he really is starting to direct a new film named Apocalypto that is going to come out sometime in the winter."

_Kudos my hero leaving all the best  
You know my hero, the one that's on_

Mike narrowed his eyes at Cullen. "I would say that I wouldn't and will never believe a word that will ever come out of your mouth. EVER!"

Cullen stood up, pulling Bella with him. "Whatever. Believe what you will. Come on Bella. We are going to be late."

Bella turned around towards Mike as they walked away and called out, "Bye Mike! I hope you get over it soon!"

Jessica threw herself at Mike and started going on about how mean Cullen and Bella were, but Mike ignored her. Was Cullen right? Though Mike didn't want to admit it, he usually was. Mike turned to Eric and asked, "Is that true? Is Mel still in the film industry?"

_There goes my hero  
Watch him as he goes  
There goes my hero  
He's ordinary_

"Yeah. I can't believe you didn't know that. It's been all over the news about how his is directing a really deep movie on, like, the Mayans or something with his own money," Eric answered.

"WHAT?!" Mike exclaimed in horror. Noooooooo!! And he threw away all of his Mel Gibson stuff too!

And then, Mike Newton died from grief and confusion.

**Please review! If you want to read other ones before I update this, I wrote ****Attack of the Song-Fics****, which is the same idea, but Harry Potter. If you have suggestion for songs, please tell me. My music library is pretty limited. **

**Murray**


	2. Push It To The Limit

**Wow! All the feedback is boggling my mind! I have to be honest, you guys review better then Harry Potter fans. I think I'm going to be beheaded for that comment. I still love Harry Potter! **

**I was torture into writing this by polkadotspot, a faux-ninja, so this is little rushed. This song is just so unoriginal. It is long though, so rejoice! GO CORBIN BLEU!**

_Yeah  
Come on now  
Here we go  
Let's do it_

A frightened Emmett had pacing back and forth in the living room for hours now. The situation was critical! He had to talk to Rose. Ah, if only her morning primping didn't take 5 hours!

Finally, after what seemed to have been forever, Rosalie descended down the stairs. Even though she was wearing a plaid shirt and greasy over-alls, she looked like she could go club-hopping and have all the guys after her. She held her chin up high and had her eyes in this wide-open pose that made her look demented.

_Yeah..._

When she got to the bottom of the stairs, Emmett threw himself at Rosalie's feet and wailed, "Oh my cuddly-bumpkin, my little pudgy-pudding, my funky winker-dinker! I just found out, the race has been rescheduled to…TOMORROW!"

Rosalie looked at him in extreme horror. "WHAT!!!"

Emmett was still on the ground, kissing Rosalie's feet. "I'm sorry! You can punish me! I deserve it! I'll go get the whip if you like?"

_Push it push it to the limit limit  
Cause we're in it to win it in it to win it  
Oh yeah_

"No, not yet," Rose said in the highly dramatic voice that she used all the time. "It doesn't matter. We shall still be victorious against our enemy!"

Emmett was on his knees now, looking at Rosalie him a worshipful look on his face. "What will we do Rose? All hope is lost!"

"What will we do, you ask?" Rosalie put her hand on her hand on her chin and stroked it, deep in thought. After a moment, a light bulb flashed above Rosalie's head as she stuck out her finger dramatically. "We shall continue building the best car ever!!! Oh, and thank you for the nice lighting Carlisle, we appreciate it."

Carlisle shot the thumbs-up and walked out of the room. He was on Rosalie and Emmett's side of the race. He wanted them to feel as cool as possible, light bulbs and all.

_I realized that this is where my heart is  
Now is the time to finish what I started  
Can't worry bout what other people might say  
It's who I am  
Gotta live my dream my own way_

Emmett stood up next to Rosalie and turned to her with an evil look on his face. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Rosalie rolled her eyes at her husband. "Shouldn't you be asking Edward," she growled at his name, "about that? And besides, if I knew what you were thinking, our lives would be a lot simpler."

Emmett ignored her comment and roared with happiness, "TO THE GARAGE!"

_Work work it harder  
Gotta take it farther  
No holding back  
You know we gotta do it right now_

They both jumped in the air happily (think Anchorman) and ran out the garage. They got there in about 5 second, and Emmett had his hands on the handle of the door. He paused though, and turned to Rosalie, worried. "Are you sure we should go in this way? You know what happens when we do."

Rosalie snorted and waved her hand. "We don't have time for this, just OPEN THE DARN DOOR!"

Emmett sighed and opened the door.

The garage was looked like something out of MTV's Cribs, only the cars were a lot better and the cars were actually in the garage and not in the driveway. Who would do that anyway, with all the rain and everything? Can anyone say 'rust damage'? Rosalie and Emmett entered the garage and then it happened.

_Be even better  
Work work together  
It's now or never  
Show em how we shine we gotta_

Queue the _slow motion_ entrance. A song with a heavy bass started playing as they walked in. Rosalie and Emmett walked in among the cars, in _slow motion_ of course, look like something out of a movie or Pimp My Ride. It was almost a Kodak moment, but of course Emmett had to ruin it.

He was going along, in _slow motion_ of course, when he tripped over a wire on the ground and fell. But this wasn't an ordinary fall; it was a _slow motion_ fall. He was flailing his arms to try and catch himself, but to no avail. He fell flat on his face, stopping the _slow motion_ entrance abruptly.

_Push it push it to the limit limit  
Cause we're in it to win it in it to win it  
Oh yeah_

"Get up you big lump, we have work to do!!!" Rosalie screamed.

Emmett jumped to his feet and did a high-five with Rosalie. Then, the montage started.

For those of you who don't know what a montage is, it is a part of a movie when people start doing something productive really fast with music in the background. Well, this montage was DA BOMB!

Emmett walked over to some sort of vehicle covered in a white sheet and ripped off, revealing Bella's truck! Emmett pushed it over to a paint station and transformed its boring red color it a kaleidoscope of color with pictures of all the characters form his favorite movie, the Lord of the Rings, on it.

_Push it push it to the limit limit  
Give it all we can give it  
We're in it to win it  
Oh yeah_

Emmett noticed Rosalie was shaking her head at the paint job. Emmett got all emotional and retorted, "What? I like the Lord of the Rings. I know you're jealous." Rosalie shook it off and did her part in fixing the car, which was putting an awesome engine in the truck.

The engine was so big, it had to be sticking out of the hood of the truck and had to have massive exhaust pipes in the back that spit out blue flames.

It was time for the finishing touches. Emmett added some 22 inch rimes as Rosalie installed butterfly doors. Together, they put in the ridiculous stereo system, which took up the entire back of the truck. They stepped back and examined the finished product.

_Push it push it to the limit limit_

One thing was certain though; Bella was probably going to kill them when she sees this. What with the picture of Aragorn cutting an orc's head off on the driver's door, or the hydraulics, it was completely NOT Bella.

Rosalie looked at her arm and cried out in horror. "Oh no! It's a freckle past a hair! We're going to be late! Come Emmett! On to victory!" And so they hopped into the pimped out truck and off into the sunset.

The sun had set and the street lights lit up the road around the ocean cliffs. When Emmett and Rosalie pulled up to the overview, they saw the competition.

_That's right_

Edward was standing next to an exact replica of Greased Lighting. Bella was sitting on the hood. Both of them looked like gangsters from the mafia. When Bella saw what Emmett and Rosalie did to her car, she started cussing like a sailor and tried to deck Emmett, but Edward held her back.

Alice and Jasper were on the sidelines, watching their future competition. Carlisle and Esme walked up to the two couples dressed in 50's formal wear. Carlisle inspected all four of them, nodded, and said, "Welcome everyone, to the annual 50's Drag Race. This year, it is Edward and Bella and the Greased Lightning, against Emmett and Rosalie and Bella's truck. Everybody get on the starting line so that we can get this show on the road."

_Gonna turn it up  
That's the way we do it now  
No time to stop  
The champions are in the house  
Yeah we can be  
Winners 'cause we understand  
Our destiny is right here in our hands_

Rosalie and Bella watched as Emmett and Edward drove up to the starting line. They began to rev their engines impatiently as Esme walked in front of the cars. Gosh, those vampires can move so slow sometimes! It's annoying.

Rosalie was sending death glares to Edward, when someone tapped on her shoulder. The expression on Bella's face was threatening. She hissed in quiet voice, "I swear on my mother's grave, if anything happens to my truck, you're gonna wish you were never born."

"Is that a threat?"

"Only if you want it to be."

They stared each other down, waiting for the other to blink. Eventually Bella did, since she was only human and all. Rosalie was pretty smug when Esme was finally read to start the race.

_Work work it harder  
Gotta take it farther  
No holding back  
We reaching for the sky now  
Be even better  
Work work together  
It's now or never  
Show em how we fly (we gotta)_

Esme raised her arms and cried out in a dramatic voice, "Drivers, start your engines!!!"

Emmett hung his head out the window and shouted, "We already have our engines started woman!! Can we please get a move-on here?"

Esme turned to the audience. "Are you ready for a great race?"

Carlisle had a huge neon sign that said 'I Bet You $20 That Emmett and Rosalie Will Win' since he was on there side. Jasper and Alice were giggling like school girls over the entire thing. They never participated in the races. They had better things to do, which I'm not going to tell you. It's a secret.

_Push it push it to the limit limit  
Cause we're in it to win it in it to win it  
Oh yeah_

Esme finally turned to the drivers. "On your mark...Get set...GOOOOOO!!!!"

Emmett and Edward slammed on the gas as hard as possible without breaking the car. They were neck and neck, completely tied up. It was going to be hard to tell who was going to win. The only thing the crowd could see was a large cloud of smoke, probably from their tires. The only problem was that the cloud kept getting bigger and bigger and was staying in the same spot.

Carlisle walked up to the cloud to get a better look and exclaimed in horror, "Jasper! Alice! What the heck are doing?"

Esme turned on a big fan, blowing away the smoke, revealing Jasper and Alice holding the two cars in the exact same spot. They grinned guiltily.

Edward screamed out of his window. "Curse you Alice into oblivion!!"

_Push it push it to the limit limit  
Give it all we can give it  
We're in it to win it  
Oh yeah_

Suddenly, Alice and Jasper let go at the same time, and the cars shot out of there like a bullet out of a gun. This was a very bad thing since they were driving around the cliffs that dropped into the ocean.

Fortunately, Edward turned just in time to miss the cliff. His car had awesome turning and he drifted along the road.

Unfortunately, Emmett couldn't turn in time, and as the truck got closer to the cliff, he yelled out in an angry voice, quoting Lord of the Rings, "JASPER! YOU FOOL OF A TOOK!!"

_Gotta work it now  
Work it out  
We got it  
Wanna hear the crowd  
Everybody now  
Gotta work it now  
Work it out  
Can't stop us  
Gotta show them how  
We gonna bring the house down_

As the truck drove off the cliff at 200 mph, which is next to impossible for Bella's truck, Emmett quoted again, "FLY YOU FOOOOOOOOOOOOOLS!!!!"

The truck went screaming off the cliff at top speed. As it dropped, Jasper let out a low whistle and said, "I had no idea the truck could get that much air."

Bella was horrified as they heard the trucks engine die away and then…BOOM!! Bella burst into tears and screamed, "M-M-MY T-T-TRUCK!!!"

_Push it push it to the limit limit  
Cause we're in it to win it in it to win it  
Let's go_

Edward had already won when Emmett finally climbed over the edge of the cliff, laughing. Carlisle stormed over to Emmett and hit him on the back of the head.

"Good job stupid-head! I just lost $20 to Jasper!" Carlisle was thoroughly pd off.

"That's not the only thing we lost," Rosalie screamed. She kicked Emmett in the shin and keep screaming, "I lost my dignity you dumbie! Just wait till we get home!"

"Emmett? Rosalie?" They could barely hear it, but they could here the malice in the whisper. They turned slowly to face a murderous Bella. Her eyes were narrowed and she was holding a metal bat in one hand. Next to her, Edward was trying to fight a smile, but was failing miserable as he swung a mace above his head.

Bella slowly stalked towards them as she spoke. "Now, I though, since you were vampires and all, that you could have at least kept my car in driving condition, but I guess I thought wrong."

Emmett interrupted as he and Rosalie backed up. "But Bella, it was all Jas--"

"DID I SAY YOU COULD SPEAK," she shrieked. She calmed down, and then smiled evilly at them. "Now, it is time for you both to know the meaning of pain."

She laughed wickedly as she and Edward sauntered towards them.

"IN THE NAME OF GOD BELLA, NOT MY ZAC EFRON COLLECTION!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

**I'm sorry it took a while for me to update. I don't get home till 9:00 nowadays, and it will be the same for next week too, with Homecoming and all. **

**Once again, it any of you have suggestions for songs, I'll gladly see what I can do to write one with that song. I hope your happy with this one polkadotspot, because I am NOT writing one for Jonas Brothers, unless everyone else wants one. **

**Murray**


	3. Stick to the Status Quo

**Disclaimer: As I am trampled to death by the cast of High School Musical and Harry Potter, I slowly begin to realize that putting the two together was a death sentence.**

**Hi-ay!!! Sorry about the long wait. My life is very hectic. I have to take the PSAT tomorrow! Why am I not studying! Ahhhhhh!!!**

**Anyway, my friends really like HSM, so I'm going to trash it and write this. Everything in italics is the lyrics I rewrote. If any of you are HSM fans, you need to join the majority that is HSM-Haters!!! **

It was a very normal day at Forks High School. Everyone was sitting with their click, doing whatever different clicks do. You know, the jocks, the cheerleaders, the band geeks, the vampires. Everyone was enjoying their lunch, or lack there of, when there was a disturbance in the Force.

At the jock table, Mike Newton was getting very edgy. He had thought long and hard about it, and since he met the new girl, Isabella Swan, he wanted to tell everyone his true secret about his sexual interests.

After waiting and waiting, he couldn't take it anymore. He suddenly jumped up on top of the table. His friend, Austin, looked up from his pop and asked in a bored voice, "Dude, what the heck are you doing?"

"SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME!!!!" screamed Mike. And then, he broke into song and all were mesmerized.

_You know my name is Mike_

_And boys are what I like_

_And dating guys really makes my whole_

_But I've got a confession_

_My own secret confession _

_And it's making me lose control._

Everyone jumped out of there seats and gathered around Mike and started singing, wanting to know more.

_Everybody gather 'round_

Mike took a deep breathe and looked at his boyfriend, Harold, before singing.

_I've been lying to you all…I LIKE GIRLS!!_

Harold gasped and slapped Mike across the face. "YOU BASTERD!" he shrieked in a weird high-pitched voice.

_What?_

Everyone else was flabbergasted. Mike Newton, the gayest guy in Forks, like girls?!?!?!? Austin was on his hands and knees and he begged to Mike, "Please, say it ain't so?"

_Oh, come on! Girls are pretty, and I sort of like it when they wear skimpy clothing._

People started screaming and running away from Mike after that. Why listen to a guy that liked girls? Girls are icky.

_I kind of have a crush on Beyonce._

Finally, someone got their hands on some tape and rope and they bound and gagged Mike to the cafeteria table. They slowly circled the table like panthers as they told him the Fork's Laws.

_No, no, no, nooooooooooo_

_No, no, no_

_Stick to the stuff you know_

_If you want to be cool_

_Follow one simple rule_

_Don't mess with the flow, no no_

_Stick to the status quo_

Lauren Mallory, the Queen Bitch, was sitting at a table with all of her friends, when Man-Lovin' Mike made his declaration to the world. All of the girls silently cheered, because they had first-handedly experience the pain of knowing the simple, yet well-known, fact that all hot guys are gay.

Lauren was the exception. She listened to Mike's plea and knew the pain that he was going through. She too had a secret, and she was ready to burst.

_You know I'm rich_

_And am also a bitch_

_Slutiness beyond compare._

_But inside I am stirring_

_Something strange is occurring_

_It's a secret that I need to share_

Everyone turned to Lauren at the same time and looked at her in hope. Lauren was known to never date any guy for more then a month, so maybe she was declaring her one true love! One could only hope.

_Open up, dig way down deep._

Lauren jumped up from her seat as gleeful as a playful puppy. They were going to listen to her!

_Last summer, I went to Africa as a Peace Corp member!_

Shock waves of horror ripped though the cafeteria. No one had ever heard of a popular girl doing something for someone else, let alone the Peace Corp. In the name of Lucifer, what the heck was she thinking!

_I went to Sudan and helped civilians during air raids! _

The kid with the rope and tape quickly was summoned over to the popular girl table and had to capture Lauren. He was going to run out of tape and rope if this kept up!

As he worked, the popular girls did the same thing as the jocks/homosexuals by circling Lauren like a human tornado screaming the law of the land in her face.

_No, no, no, nooooooooooo_

_No, no, no_

_Stick to the stuff you know_

_It is better by far_

_To keep things as they are_

_Don't mess with the flow, no no_

_Stick to the status quo_

The entire cafeteria was a riot zone, except for where the Cullen's sat. They aren't really a part of this story, and they could really care less about the strange doings of high school students, stuck in the middle of nowhere, left to fend for themselves. It sounds a lot like Lord of the Flies if you really think about it.

None of the teachers could control the crazy students, all but one. Principal Gupta whipped out her large microphone and announced, "Settle down now children, settle down." But of course, nobody was paying attention. It was too crazy in there.

I know what you're thinking. Didn't she just say that Principal Gupta would calm everyone down? Patience, please! The story isn't over yet.

Principal Gupta watched her crazy students and slowly realized the horrific truth. It was like looking at a big mirror of herself, and what she say was a grumpy middle-aged woman that looked like she had something very large up her butt. She had to change that!

She pulled the big microphone again and hollered, "I would like to make a slight announcement." The cafeteria went silent for a moment. It was very quiet. Principal Gupta cleared her throat and sang with a very firm and confident voice that blew everyone's brains out.

_Listen in_

_My tempers so thin_

_If you interrupt you'll get it good_

_Kids, there's no explanation_

_For this awesome sensation_

_But I'm ready to make it understood_

All the kids just looked at her like she was crazy. Why listen to an adult when you can be a rebellious teenager and tick her off? Well, whatever. I guess they didn't believe in that kind of stuff, because the next thing you know they all just shrugged and answered in glorious song.

_Speak your mind and you will be heard_

The Gupta giggled happily, through the microphone down, and roared with heavenly grace.

_I really can't hide it anymore, so I'm going to give it to you _

_Either you can take and keep it _

_Or you can throw it away_

"GET ON WITH IT!" screamed the impatient students.

_I am really a superhero that has been saving the day before you have been born_

There was a confused silence for a while, but some idiot must not have been paying attention, because they yelled, "YAH! WOO! YOU TELL'M GIRL!" Somebody then followed it up by punching them in the arm.

Principal Gupta didn't understand the silence, so she tried to explain.

_No really, I can shoot laser beams out of my eyes and erase memories_

The kid with the rope and tape, who had miraculously kept his sanity the entire time, snuck up on the Gupta and lassoed her up and tied her up to the salad bar. The rest of the teachers had given up and joined the rebellion. They also circled Gupta like one of those circle things in a parking garage and were telling it like it was.

_No, no, no, Noooooooo_

_No, no, no_

_Stick to the stuff you know_

_If you want to be cool _

_Follow one simple rule_

_Don't mess with the flow, no no_

_Stick to the status quo_

The students got Mike, Lauren, and Principal Gupta all into a circle and started what looked like a pow-wow around the captives like a bunch of savages. They had really gone mad.

_Nooooooooooo, no, no, no_

_Stick to the stuff you know_

_If you want to be cool_

_Follow on simple rule_

_Don't mess with the flow, oh no_

_Stick to the statue quooooooo_

_No, no, no_

_Stick to the stuff you know_

_It is better by far_

_To keep things as they are_

_Don't mess with the flow, no no_

_Stick to the status quo_

_Stick to the status quo_

After the finished the last time with the chorus, everyone lamely left the circle and went back to what they were doing before Mike interrupted their lunch. That left the kid that ran out of rope and tape to untie the two students and the principal. By the time Bella Swan entered the cafeteria with Jessica Stanley for the first time ever, everyone was back to their spots as if nothing had ever happened.

Yeah right.

**Seriously, I am running out of ideas here. Any suggestions? **

**If might be a while before I update. A slight draw back when you are writing 5 stories at the same time. I know what you're thinking, this girl is crazy! Well, you are right.**

**Murray**


	4. Evertime We Touch

**At least SOMEBODY (nadia the demented one) gave me a suggestion for a future song-fic, and yes, I will have a rapping Edward in the meadow next. And there will be NO Jonas Brothers!!! So it is written, and so it will be done. **

**I'm so happy with all of these reviews I'm getting! So, thanks to all of you, this chapter is for my loyal reviewers. You know who you are. This is to Everytime We Touch by Cascada. This song is taken literally, and I mean LITERALLY!!**

_I still hear your voice, when you sleep next to me.  
I still feel your touch in my dreams._

"Bella? Bella can you here me? Are you there? Bark twice if you're in Milwaukee."

Bella Swan had no idea what was going on. The only thing she did know was that she was asleep and that Edward was strangely asking her if she was in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. That was on the other side of the country, sort of.

Another strange thing was that she felt ticklish feelings all over her body. She couldn't hold it in anymore, so the roar of laughter came out like a flood. You know; that kind of flood that wipes out everything. Think Noah big.

_Forgive me my weakness, but I don't know why.  
Without you it's hard to survive._

_  
_She shot out of bed like a canon in the middle of the Civil War, still laughing like an idiot. Edward was sitting next to her, trying to hold a straight face as Bella slowly gained her bearings.

"Sorry about that. You were yelling something about tickle fights in Milwaukee and I just had to wake you up, by tickle."

Bella gave him a cold glare. "That wasn't very kind of you."

They stared at each other for a mille-moment before Edward said, "I can see that you are angry with me, so I'll leave." And with that, he disappeared in flash of smoke. Bella snorted and mumbled 'show-off' before it happened.

Right after he left, she collapsed on the floor, blood running out of her hair, fingernails growing really fast, that kind of stuff. Edward came screaming back into the room in a blur. He was about to go crazy by what was going on, but then Bella stood up, fine and dandy.

"What the…?"

Bella smiled that knowing smile and said, "Silly Edward. Didn't you know? I start dieing when you get more than a mile away from me."

_Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling.  
And everytime we kiss I swear I can fly.  
Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last.  
Need you by my side._

Edward wrapped his arms around her and mumbled, "You scared the bejeezes out of me Bella! I can only imagine what happened when I left."

"Its-okay. I-feel-fine-now!" Bella suddenly was super-hyper and bouncy for no reason, but whatever. "Kiss me, I'm Irish!!"

Edward shrugged and kissed her, but it was a mistake! Bella pulled apart after a few moments and ran out of the room, down the stairs and out the front door, with Edward right behind her of course. She then started flapping her arms, shouting "Poop!" and "Damn!" and "Stupid!" among other things.

Edward caught up to her and started shaking her. "Bella, snap out of it! What the heck are you doing?"

Bella stared at him blankly, and then burst into tears. "I don't know! I just feel all bipolar, or tripolar, or something. I hope it's over though."

_Cause everytime we touch, I feel this static.  
And everytime we kiss, I reach for the sky.  
Can't you hear my heart beat so  
I can't let you go.  
Want you in my life._

Edward sighed and hugged her, but just then, an electric current shot through them, causing their hair to stand up on their heads and small metal objects to go flying to them. They didn't notice this, because they started kissing. Bella started to raise her arms to wrap around Edward's neck, but her arms kept going up until she was holding her arms in a very strange way. It was a curious sight, what with Edward kissing Bella, who looked like she was making the 'touchdown' signal.

Edward pulled back and looked at Bella with a baffled expression. "Seriously Bella, what the heck is up today?"

"I don't know! I just want it to stop!"

_Your arms are my castle, your heart is my sky.  
They wipe away tears that I cry.  
The good and the bad times, we've been through them all.  
You make me rise when I fall._

Edward starting shushing her and hugged her, AGAIN. Bella hesitated for a moment, but when nothing happened, she leaned into him and cried. I guess you kind of gotta feel sorry for her. I mean, how many times to you start having emotional roller coaster rides and have silverware start flying at you? And I'm not talking about your time of the month ladies, unless if you are a magnet around then. I'm going to shut up now.

_Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling.  
And everytime we kiss I swear I can fly.  
Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last.  
Need you by my side._

After a long moment, Bella finally got a hold of herself. She pulled away from Edward slowly and looked up at him. "Thank you. I just had to clear my head."

Edward smiled kindly. "Anything for the lady", he said with a bow and a grin.

Bella gave him a angry yet amused look. "Oh, you think you're so funny. Well how do you feel if I did this!"

_Cause everytime we touch, I feel this static.  
And everytime we kiss, I reach for the sky.  
Can't you hear my heart beat so  
I can't let you go.  
Want you in my life._

And with that, she touched his face with her finger.

The electric current shot through them again, but this time, Bella managed to stay her normal self. Edward wasn't so lucky.

"BELLA! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!!" he screamed as his Volvo and Bella's truck chased him around the yard.

**Aww!! OK, so this one wasn't as funny as the others, but come on! If you think this chapter was incredibly stupid, you are encouraged to flame me to death as much as you wish. **

**If you have any suggestions for stories, I would be happy to hear them, or rather, read them. **

**Here's some food for thought. Did you know that ****Chuck Norris beat the Sun in a staring contest? **

**Murray**


	5. America, Fuck Yeah!

Disclaimer: You know that fashion police

**Disclaimer: You know that fashion police? Well, they have a twin. Their name is the copyright police. I've already pissed one off. Who knows what will happen if I tick off the other?**

**Yeah, I know. I haven't updated anything in a while. I also said that I would have Edward rapping in the meadow this chapter. That really isn't what this one is about. Kill me if you must.**

**--********BAD LANGUAGE!!********--**

The black cloaks that hid the Volturi guard members swarmed the unprepared Irish coven. THEY WERE ALL GOING TO DIE!!

_America..._

"Oh no, what are we going to do," Liam muttered as the Volturi closed in, completely bored.

"Please! Somebody help us," Maggie cried.

The Volturi cackled at the Irish vampires' distress. Jane stepped out of the group of black and hissed evilly. "Nobody is going to save you today. It's time to meet your maker."

_America…_

Maggie cowered behind Liam, who was spacing out. Siobhan was going to do the same as Maggie, when all of the sudden, something behind the Volturi caught her eye. She pointed it out to Maggie, who rejoiced with her.

"Look! It's a bird!"

"No, it's a plane!"

Liam looked over, sighed and said, "Why would you think it was something that flew? Honestly, it's just Garrett, coming to save our lives…again."

_America, FUCK YEAH!  
Coming again, to save the mother fucking day yeah,_

And it WAS Garrett! Along with the Denali clan and the Cullens, they made up an elite vampire squad based completely on killing foreign vampires, namely the Volturi. (Batman theme) Nana nana nana nana nana nana nana nana V-SQUAD!!

Garrett, the leader, walked up to the Volturi fighting force, confidence dripping off him. "Well, well, well. If it isn't the Volturi. Come to terrorize and destroy again?" He spoke to them as if they were little children that didn't know they had made another mistake. The Volturi, of course, thought they hadn't, but if the V-Squad thought you did, then you did. No exceptions.

_America, FUCK YEAH!  
Freedom is the only way yeah,  
Terrorist your game is through cause now you have to answer too,  
America, FUCK YEAH!_

Jane sneered at the smug American. "What do you think you're gonna do about? Make me watch Pearl Harbor again?" The Volturi laughed at her joke, though they secretly wished they wouldn't, because that movie sucked. Bad.

Garrett laughed along with them, and soon all of the V-Squad were laughing too. Everyone was laughing at the horrible joke, except Liam, who just watched with disgust. He huffed angrily and stomped away, muttering about how he couldn't believe the V-Squad was the world's last chance against the Volturi.

_So lick my butt, and suck on my balls,  
America, FUCK YEAH!_

They continued like this for a while, until Garrett and the rest of the V-Squad stopped laughing at exactly the same moment. It was horrifying.

Jane sputtered in fear. "H-How d-did you s-stop at t-the s-same t-time?"

Garrett laughed maniacally. "We practice together on Thursday nights."

_What you going to do when we come for you now,  
it's the dream that we all share; it's the hope for tomorrow_

Jane looked on in horror. The Volturi only practiced every other Wednesday morning, and that was only if they were in the mood! They were doomed!

She dropped to her knees, begging for mercy. "Please! Spare us!

Garrett laughed loudly…again. "NOT TODAY VOLTURI SCUM!!"__

FUCK YEAH!  


He turned to the rest of the V-Squad, who were all ready. "Let's show them what being an American is all about!"

Kate and Tanya walked forward. Tanya looked at her sister, who was doing the same, nodded at each other, and ran full sprint at the Volturi.

_McDonalds, FUCK YEAH!  
Wal-Mart, FUCK YEAH!_

"HERE'S YOUR BIG MAC! WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT?!" Tanya screeched as she pelted the Volturi with rock hard burgers.

Kate joined her sister by throwing TVs at the Volturi in turn.

Jane cried out in horror as she watched her fellow guard members have flat screens rain down on them. "Are you all fools? Don't you know how much TVs are these days?!"

Kate laughed evilly. "Yes, but Walmart always has low prices." She leaned in close to Jane's face and whispered, "Always," and then proceeded to slam the 42" inch TV at Jane's face.

_The Gap, FUCK YEAH!  
Baseball, FUCK YEAH!_

Kate and Irina backed off and Emmett and Rosalie took there place.

"Batter up," Emmett yelled. Rosalie pitched a plastic bag full of assorted clothing at Emmett, who presided to hit it with a bag. The bag burst on impact, but all the clothes inside flew at the Volturi. The clothes landed on the Volturi in a magical way where it lands on you like you were wearing it. All the Volturi now had the opposite gender's clothing on! AAAAAHHHHHHH!!

Jane freaked out and started tearing off the baggy jersey and sweatpants that landed/were magically put on her. She didn't even notice Edward and Bella step up to take their turn.

_NFL, FUCK, YEAH!  
Rock and roll, FUCK YEAH!_

Bella turned to Edward, laughing evilly. "It's a good thing I lived with Charlie, or else I would've never learned how to do this." And with that, she grabbed a bunch of footballs and punted and threw with all her might at the Volturi. _  
_

Edward pulled out a '73 Fender Stratocaster, lit it on fire, and attacked the Italian vampires hitting them all with the flaming guitar.

Jane was able to dodge the footballs, but couldn't escape Edward and his flaming guitar. Bella was able to hit her multiple times while Jane did stop, drop, and roll to put her hair out. She was able to put it out, but not before all of her hair, along the sides were burned off, leaving her with a Mohawk, FOR ETERNATY!!

_  
The Internet, FUCK YEAH!_

_Slavery, FUCK YEAH!  
_

Renesmee danced forward. She came up to Jane, looking all shy and dainty, and tentatively reached for Jane's face. Jane jumped away before Renesmee touched her.

"Don't you dare touch me freak show!" Jane screamed. Renesmee kicked it into overdrive and unleashed the unbeatable power of the puppy-dog eyes.

"Please ma'am. I just want to show you what I did a few days ago."

Jane couldn't resist. She smiled like someone in a trance and let Renesmee show her memory.

_Renesmee was on Carlisle's computer, searching wildly through the Internet until she came to her desired site._

_"Ah, finally, EBay. I hope Jane likes this little surprise." She cackled manically as she bought a hand grenade, shackles, and a strange necklace. _

Jane pulled back as the hand grenade went off. She just stood there, because hand grenades are as wimpy as throwing feathers at someone. Stupid, pointless, yet very distracting.

"Pretty colors…" Jane said as she stared into the explosion. She had no idea that it was a trap! Renesmee shackled her hands and then brought the necklace to Jane's face. It was Angelina Jolie's vial of Billy Bob Thornton's blood!

"NOOOOOOO!!" Jane screamed as Renesmee forced the vile liquid down Jane's throat.

When Renesmee was done torturing Jane with the vile blood, the rest of the V-Squad stood around the defeated Volturi, smirking like the great Americans they are.

"Go back to where you came from Jane, and tell your masters that no matter where you go, no matter what you do, the V-Squad will always win!"

Jane and the rest of the Volturi scrambled to there feet and ran away, with their tails between their legs. A few of them even had the nerve to take a few of the TV's left behind. They are so cheap.

When the Volturi were gone, Garrett turned back to Maggie and Siobhan, who were fawning over him. "You are safe friends. The terrorists are gone. England is safe once more." And then he and the V-Squad leaped into the air and into the sunset.

Maggie and Siobhan stared after them in shock. Siobhan turned to Maggie, fuming. "Did he just associated us with England."

Maggie's frown deepened. "I think so."

They looked at each other for a moment, until Siobhan said, "I'm sure the Volturi is still recruiting. Come on."

And so Maggie and Siobhan went off the Volterra, where, eventually, everyone would join up to kill the Cullen and Denali clan, which they eventually did. Garrett was never found…until he came to Volterra alone to fight. He lost of course. And every evil villain lived happily ever after!

_FUCK YEAH!_

**I know I skipped a few lines, but the song just goes on forever, and it got a little bit stupid, so I stopped. **

**If anyone has any songs they want me to do, give me a SHOUT! Here are ideas that I'm thinking about. Tell me which one you want more! **

**Funkytown** – Alice and Rosalie take Bella shopping in L.A.

**Enter Sandman** – Jacob screws up a little bit(a lot actually) when he tells Renesmee her first bed time story

**Float On** – Mike and Jessica romance story.

**Murray**


End file.
